Do you know when you are stressed, or could you be anxious instead?  There are vital differences which everyone would benefit from being aware of.  Both are caused by our own thinking and “perceptions”, as in they are experiences we have decided in our own minds are concerning, and in many cases others wouldn’t react the same way.

Finding the right label can be the first step in determining how best to improve the situation. Below are the main differences:

• Anxiety: panic, apprehensiveness, dry mouth, sweaty palms, performance anxiety, difficulty concentrating, pacing around thinking of what’s causing the anxiety.   Anxiety is caused by increased vigilance in situations that are perceived as threatening, when most people wouldn’t find it threatening.  Some will find ingenious ways to avoid the situations that have made them anxious in the past.
• Stress: difficulty relaxing, impatient, easily reactive, intolerant of interruption and delay. People feel they have to get on with the task and don’t want people stopping them to ask questions. Many will become over-engaged in tasks as they feel there is no choice, it has to be done, no-one else can do it (and the time available can also feel too short).  Stress also reduces the links to your long term memory functionality, which is not useful for exams etc.

You’ll be surprised though, how many different experiences people have when they are anxious and stressed, and how different they are to your own.  As an experiment, take stock and write a list of your own symptoms of anxiety, acute stress (short-term) and chronic stress (long-term).  Then, ask trusted friends and colleagues to do the same – and notice how many variations there are.

REDUCING ANXIETY

A previous article highlighted our ability to check our level of anxiety (looking for threats that aren’t there) and balance or adjust this in our minds by considering the positive and “rewarding” aspects of the situation. Some level of anxiety can be useful and channelled to our benefit i.e. it can be OK.  But when you are in anxiety overwhelm take a look at the recommendations for balancing out to the right level in the “Cocktail for Every Occasion”.

RESILIENCE TO STRESS

Studies around the resilience to stress has found that it relates to positivity i.e. people who are more positive about their experiences are less stressed.  Much of our stress-related perceptions are based on our past experiences and current events.  For example, how tired, hungry, cross or discontent we are in the moment will influence the degree to which particular events will make us feel stressed.  If we are energised, fully fed and content with life, difficulties affect us less.

To reduce stress it’s useful to start to think of other (and more positive) ways you may be able to think about the situation you are in and reduce the temptation to catastrophize. Could we be assuming a worse possible future for ourselves than is truly necessary?  Here are some useful techniques:

Visualisation:  including all day-dreaming.

Relaxation: What would nourish you?  Warm bath? Massage?  Walking in the countryside?  NB: Some people say they only have one way of relaxing and that’s to watch TV.  However, this is actually just a mild trance and after a while may not feel so great.

Contemplation: muse upon something positive.

Meditation: engaging in a process of thinking that allows thoughts to just come and go (also known as restful alertness). As an added benefit, this time gives the opportunity for reviewing and connecting important information which is vital for insight and creativity.

Research has also shown that resilience to stressful events is increased by successfully completing tasks that would be considered stressful.  People that take on challenges that stretch their comfort zone and, importantly, are supported to complete these, are likely to be less reactive to similar events in the future.  So setting the right level of challenge for individuals can increase resilience.

Next time you say you’re stressed, check that you actually are and then find ways to improve your resilience for now and the future.

Find out how personal coaching can help you further by contacting us for an initial discussion.

In this article I wanted to review what you can do as an individual if you are feeling psychologically threatened and demotivated.

Part of our brain (the Amygdala) monitors for threats (physical or perceived), checking against similar experiences that you need to be wary of and/or setting us up to take action.  When active examples include the fight or flight response, anxiety, negative memories.  When this is inactive, you feel safe and secure.

Another part (the Ventral Striatum) is looking out for rewards/pleasure, what you want to do more of, safety and security.  When this is inactive, you don’t feel very rewarded or motivated.

Both of these are regulated up and down in relation to one another, depending on the situation.  Sometimes you need the threat response to be at a  higher level (eg. if there’s an oncoming lorry and you need to get out of the way), sometimes you want a balance between the two (eg. going on a scary ride, where there’s fear and exhilaration) and sometimes you need to feel safer and secure in your situation (to be more creative, innovative, make decisions).

Take an example from my past when my boss would often (deliberately sometimes) aim to get me angry, but that anger expressed wouldn’t have been appropriate.  My boss once said to me that he could tell if I was angry as I went very quiet.  In actual fact, when I was really angry, I’d get tearful, which was very annoying and the last thing that I wanted him to see!!! So it was easier to control it by staying quiet (physically clenching my jaw together).  Now I know what was happening in my mind and have much better techniques for handling this kind of situation.

Getting the right balance of emotions appropriate for the occasion is important, taking control of the regulation between the two parts of the brain.  When I discuss this with my clients, I often use the analogy of a cocktail.  There’s a useful cocktail of emotions for every occasion, or there’s a bitter tasting cocktail that’s just not helpful!  So you’ve got to get the right mix of all the different emotions available to you.

For example, if you are feeling threatened and your mind has gone blank, heart racing, anxiety overwhelm, can’t seem to make a decision, then you need to adjust the measures: lower the “threat” measures and increase “reward”.  If you are sitting back, letting the world go by, not pushing for change even though you know there could be better possibilities out there, you may need to reduce the “reward” emotions that are keeping you feeling safe and secure in your current situation and explore a bit of uncertainty, your un-utilised talents and calculated risks.

If you find a situation that you are going through is a psychologically threatening time (eg when you’re feeling  angry, insecure, uncertain, anxious, demotivated etc), then here are a few ways to increase the “reward” (simultaneously reducing the “threat”) to balance the cocktail of emotions to make it more appropriate and help you deal with the situation you are in.

• Calm yourself with deep breathing.
• Identify and label the emotions that you are feeling in the situation. This helps to stop the emotion escalating and going into overwhelm.
• Reframe – what other way can I look at this?  Very important step, this one.
• Focus on the positive, what could you get out of this situation, what are the rewards?
• Utilise other people as positive resource by thinking about how they might behave in this situation.
• After the event, write down a description of the situation that triggered the negative thoughts.   Then review again and identify fair, balanced thoughts about the situation.  Discuss with others if it helps.
• What might you want to do differently next time? Can you identify patterns of behaviour from particular individuals you are working with which you can be better prepared for next time?

Becoming aware of this, I’ve decided to become an experimental “cocktail” maker!  We can’t guarantee we’ll get it right every time, but we can have a good go!!  How about you?

Phobias and fears can stop us achieving what we want in life or in our career.  Below is an example of a phobia, but you could relate this success to a phobia or fear that you would like to get rid of in order to achieve the success you want.

About Phobias

It is usually understood that fear is rational, but is known as a phobia when the fear becomes irrational. These irrational fears are driven by emotions; meaning willpower, facts and reassurance have little impact.  Phobias can make the sufferer’s life miserable, cause embarrassment and undermine self-esteem.  Phobias can easily develop in childhood or in adulthood, and can often start from something very simple.  However, no-one needs to live with a phobia, as there is a way to deal with it in a positive and lasting way.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) provides that positive process, and does not involve a lengthy analysis of where it started, or having to be exposed to the topic of the phobia.  It’s easy to do and works in line with the way we store our memories.

Case Study

CLIENT:  Bex

PHOBIA:  Open Water

DATE:  March 2011

Background

Bex has had an irrational fear of open water for over 30 years.  The fear of the sea, rivers and lakes started from an early age when she watched Jaws the movie.

This phobia had caused Bex to miss out on a number of experiences that she now regrets, including holidays, swimming and boat trips with the children.  An expensive and exotic holiday was coming up and Bex finally decided that she was not going to let this phobia spoil her trip.  She wanted to go snorkelling, on boat trips and even a banana ride – if only she could overcome the phobia.

Overcoming Phobias with NLP

Bex contacted Karen in order to overcome this phobia once and for all, and the session was booked.  Before the session, Karen asked Bex to think of a situation which would prove to her that her phobia was cured, once the process had been completed.  Bex decided that a boat trip would really prove it to her, especially as the last time she went on a slow sight-seeing boat she sat in the middle of the boat in tears for the entire trip.

Within 45 minutes, Bex had transformed from being petrified of the thought of open water, to someone who could not wait to go on her first boat in 30 years.  Bex described the process as “unbelievable” and was “surprised, and really pleased that the emotions have disappeared entirely”.

Prove the Phobia Has Gone

It was now over to the boat trip that Bex had chosen as her final proof that the phobia had been overcome.  When she arrived at the venue, the sight-seeing boat was out of action but thanks to the great team there, they offered a speed boat trip instead!  This would really be a test, given her previous experience in a boat.  However, Bex had no nerves, no reservations and was so excited about the opportunity.  Bex thoroughly enjoyed the experience, which lasted for over an hour!

What Bex had to say

“The whole process was just unbelievable, so easy and completely stress-free.  It only took 45 minutes and by the end of that I was surprised, and really pleased, that the emotions had disappeared entirely.  I just couldn’t wait to get on that boat – my phobia was gone and I was so excited about my upcoming holiday.  Thanks to Karen I am going to enjoy my trip completely, and may even try a banana boat if I can persuade the others to join me!  I would highly recommend anyone who has a phobia stopping them enjoying life, to speak to Karen and get rid of it.  I wasted too many years with this fear, only to have it gone in less than an hour, once I’d decided enough was enough.  I wish I had sorted it out a long time ago, but now that I have, I’m going to make the most of it at every opportunity.”

If you want to see a rehearsal for a video testimonial from Bex, click HERE!!!  It may make you smile!!

To find out how you can overcome your phobias, contact Karen now using the Contact Us Form.

Overcoming Phobia of Water

Ever found yourself having to do a presentation and you are absolutely petrified?  There are many articles on presentation skills, in order to improve your delivery, your appearance etc.  However, despite reading all of those, my experiences of doing presentations still felt terrible.

This is what used to happen to me.  When I was 23 I was asked to do my very first presentation.  I was working in a management consultancy, and it was figured that at some stage soon in my career development I would need to work with clients and present my findings.  So my boss decided to make me do a presentation to the whole of the company (only about 15 people) to gain some experience.

My presentation was on data I had analysed as part of a client project, and was basically all numbers!  Not much scope for humour or even diagrams!  However, I put the presentation together (using acetates and an overhead projector in those days) and asked my line manager to review it to ensure it made sense and was in the right order.

I was as ready as I was ever going to be, but still petrified.  On to “death by powerpoint” as they call it these days!!  However, on slide 3, one of the Directors asked me a question.  Completely took me by surprise, and I went hunting through the rest of the slides to try and find the one that would answer his question.  I had no experience of asking if they would mind holding on for a little while and his question would be answered in due course.

Then, having got completely muddled, my line manager (the one who had checked my presentation), loudly announced to the group “oh my God, could you have not even got the presentation in any sort of logical order?  How ridiculous!”

I finished the presentation, stammering, heart thudding, sweating – and left exhausted and humiliated. My first experience of doing a presentation was, to me, the worst possible. To some people, this experience may seem minor.  However, to me, it was something that would stay with me for another 22 years.  The memory of those few minutes would haunt me through every presentation I did thereafter.  And I did a lot.

As I became more senior in my next company, presentations were the norm.  I did get better with experience, and learnt some of the techniques to deal with questions etc.  Only a few close colleagues knew the horror that was going on inside me, and could see the shaking hands, every time I stood up.  One colleague just could not understand how someone who could conduct meetings with no effort at all, could be so different when standing up to present.

However, over the years, I managed to collect a competing memory to the horrendous first one.  After a presentation I had to do to my new team of direct reports (all managers – you can imagine how worried I was about that one), one of them came up to me and said “that was brilliant, you make me proud to say you’re my manager”.  For the next couple of years I had those two memories competing in my head every time I did a presentation, which somehow made it a little bit easier.

Then I trained as an NLP practitioner.  My fear of presentations was discussed and we worked on learning from the memories and then letting them go. Once I could see beyond the blind panic I was able to recall many more successes than failures.  Mistakes could be learned from, and they didn’t have to dominate my thoughts and reduce my confidence.  When we practised a presentation during the course, guess what – I was the last one of the group to be called up, so had a bit of a sweaty hand thing going on – only to be told by the whole group and the trainers, that that was the best presentation they’d seen!

It is so much better and easier to think clearly about your past successes and mistakes, and stop unhelpful ones dominating your current experience.  Negative beliefs can blind us to evidence that proves them incorrect, with the chemical changes in our brains reacting to stress and demotivating triggers, reducing our ability to think clearly and creatively.   It is also great to be able to work through some of those memories and get rid of the ghosts holding us back.  One could also say, it’s better for our audience too!!!!

If you’re interested in finding out more about how NLP can help you with your confidence, please contact us for an initial discussion.